#1
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
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#2
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
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#3
I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
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#4
Broken pencils are...
Pointless.
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#5
I don't trust stairs.
They're always up to something.
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#6
I used to be a banker...
But I lost interest.
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#7
What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car?
Tyrannosaurus Wrecks.
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#8
The rotation of the Earth...
Really makes my day.
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#9
I couldn't figure out how lightning works.
Then it struck me.
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#10
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.
She hugged me.
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#11
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
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#12
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.
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#13
What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neil.
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#14
I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
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#15
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.
I had to put my foot down.
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#16
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants.
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#17
What's the best way to carve wood?
Whittle by whittle.
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#18
I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.
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#19
What do you call a train carrying bubblegum?
A chew-chew train.
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#20
I didn't want to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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#21
I once got fired from a canned juice company.
Apparently I couldn't concentrate.
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#22
You know what really bugs me?
Insects.
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#23
What do you call a shoe made of a banana?
A slipper.
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#24
I'm addicted to brake fluid.
But I can stop whenever I want.
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#25
The past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.
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#26
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
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#27
What's the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
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#28
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
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#29
What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto.
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#30
People who use selfie sticks really need to...
Take a long hard look at themselves.
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#31
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
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#32
I'm terrified of elevators.
I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
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#33
The first time I got a universal remote control...
I thought to myself, 'This changes everything.'
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#34
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw.
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#35
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
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#36
I just got a job at a calendar factory.
Can't wait to take a few days off.
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#37
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
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#38
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
And that's no misteak.
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#39
What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?
A faux pa.
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#40
I asked the librarian if the library had books about paranoia.
She whispered, 'They're right behind you.'
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#41
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
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#42
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers.
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#43
I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
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#44
I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.
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#45
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's very time-consuming.
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#46
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Never mind, it's tearable.
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#47
To the person who stole my anti-depressants:
I hope you're happy now.
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#48
I'm not a fan of stairs.
I prefer to take the elevator — it lifts my spirits.
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#49
What did the hat say to the hook?
You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
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#50
A woman walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.
The librarian whispers, 'They're right behind you!'
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