#1
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
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#2
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
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#3
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
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#4
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
He was outstanding in his field.
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#5
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
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#6
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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#7
Want to hear a joke about construction?
I'm still working on it.
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#8
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up.
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#9
I'm afraid for the calendar.
Its days are numbered.
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#10
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
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#11
Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired.
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#12
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.
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#13
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
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#14
Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?
In case they get a hole in one.
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#15
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
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#16
How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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#17
Why did the math book look so sad?
Because of all its problems.
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#18
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore.
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#19
I used to play piano by ear...
But now I use my hands.
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#20
What did the buffalo say when his son left for college?
Bison.
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#21
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
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#22
I'm on a seafood diet.
I see food and I eat it.
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#23
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A Labracadabrador.
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#24
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
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#25
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
Bob.
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#26
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no-bell prize.
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#27
What kind of shoes do ninjas wear?
Sneakers.
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#28
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
All the fans left.
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#29
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing — they fast.
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#30
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
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#31
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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#32
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
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#33
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business.
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#34
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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#35
I'm so good at sleeping...
I can do it with my eyes closed.
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#36
What do you call a fish without eyes?
A fsh.
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#37
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
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#38
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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#39
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.
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#40
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I ever saw.
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#41
What did one wall say to the other?
I'll meet you at the corner.
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#42
Why do dads always carry an extra pair of socks?
In case they get cold feet.
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#43
What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neil.
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#44
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
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#45
I've got a great joke about paper.
Never mind, it's tearable.
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#46
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
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#47
How do trees access the internet?
They log in.
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#48
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?
Supplies!
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#49
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts.
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#50
I asked my dog what's two minus two.
He said nothing.
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