About This Collection
Pirates have been capturing imaginations — and making excellent pun material — for centuries. With vocabulary like arrr, matey, plank, treasure, starboard, porthole, crow's nest, and Davy Jones, the pirate lexicon was practically designed for dad jokes.
These 30 pirate dad jokes are G-rated and family-friendly, perfect for Talk Like a Pirate Day (September 19), a nautical birthday party, or just any Tuesday when the crew needs a laugh. All aboard!
🏴☠️ The Plunder Collection — 30 Pirate Dad Jokes
Joke #1
What's a pirate's favorite letter?
You'd think it's R, but his true love is the C!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — The ultimate pirate joke. A legend. Never gets old.
Joke #2
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Nautical AND card game wordplay. Twice the groan for one price.
Joke #3
What do pirates wear in the winter?
Long Johns Silver!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Literary history meets thermal underwear. A triumph.
Joke #4
How do pirates prefer to communicate?
Aye to aye!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Eye see what you did there. And so do pirates.
Joke #5
What's a pirate's favorite type of exercise?
The plank!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Core fitness pirate style. Walk it off, matey.
Joke #6
Where do pirates buy their hooks?
The second-hand store!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Perfectly constructed. Not a single word wasted.
Joke #7
What do you call a pirate who skips class?
Captain Hooky!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Educational and swashbuckling. Two things we love.
Joke #8
Why do pirates make terrible singers?
Because they always hit the high Cs!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Musical AND nautical. A chord of pure dad genius.
Joke #9
What's a pirate's least favorite vegetable?
Leeks! They hate things that make ships sink.
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Practical concern. Reasonable fear. Excellent pun.
Joke #10
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — This joke has been conquering groan-meters for decades.
Joke #11
What did the ocean say to the pirate ship?
Nothing — it just waved!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Classic structure. Delivers every time.
Joke #12
What's a pirate's favorite fast food restaurant?
Arrrby's!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — We have the meats... and the maritime puns.
Joke #13
Why did the pirate retire from piracy?
He found it a little arrr-durous!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Career counseling for pirates. A niche but important field.
Joke #14
What do you call a pirate with two eyes, two hands, and two legs?
A rookie!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Sets up the expectation perfectly, then flips it. Brilliant.
Joke #15
What's a pirate's favorite subject in school?
Arrrrt class!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Creative types, those pirates. Very misunderstood.
Joke #16
Why don't pirates ever shower before walking the plank?
Because they'll just wash up on shore later!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Logical. Economical. Completely pirate-brained. Love it.
Joke #17
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — "I'm eighty" said in the only correct pirate fashion.
Joke #18
How do pirates know what size of shoe they wear?
By checking their own feet, matey — same as everyone else! But they call it a "peg size" now.
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Unexpectedly grounded in footwear logistics.
Joke #19
What's a pirate's favorite board game?
Battleship — but they always cheat!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — No honor among pirates. Confirmed in board game form.
Joke #20
Why did the pirate buy an iPhone?
Because he heard it had a great matey feature — iCloud!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Tech-savvy piracy for the modern age.
Joke #21
What's a pirate's favorite element on the periodic table?
Gold — Arrr!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Chemistry meets treasure. Every pirate's motivational poster.
Joke #22
What do you call a pirate who tells great stories?
A tale-gunner!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Tailgunner, tale teller. Close enough for the high seas.
Joke #23
Where do pirates go to vote?
The poll-deck!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Civically engaged pirates. Democracy on the high seas.
Joke #24
What do you call a pirate who always arrives exactly on time?
Dead on the dot — wait, wrong kind of pirate story!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Punctuality and pirates make an unlikely but excellent combo.
Joke #25
Why did the pirate like doing math?
Because he was always looking for the X!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Treasure maps. Algebra. One legendary pun.
Joke #26
What's a pirate's favorite doll?
Barrr-bie!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Fashion-forward pirates. Very misunderstood.
Joke #27
How did the pirate stop smoking?
He used the patch!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Eye patch. Nicotine patch. One perfect joke.
Joke #28
What do you call a pirate who can't stop crying?
A sobb-er pirate — which is actually a step up from a rum pirate!
⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Emotional depth. Personal growth. Very pirate.
Joke #29
What do you call a pirate who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?
Robin Hook!
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Literature meets piracy. A cultural mashup for the ages.
Joke #30
What did the pirate say when he turned 80?
Wait — I already told that one! A real pirate never repeats himself... unless it gets a laugh.
⭐⭐⭐⭐ Dad Points — Self-aware, meta, and still pirate-flavored. A worthy finale.
❓ Frequently Asked Questions
What is a pirate's favorite letter?
You might think it's R — but a true pirate's first love is the C (sea)! This is arguably the most famous pirate joke of all time, and it works because "R" is so strongly associated with pirate speech ("Arrr!") that the C twist is genuinely surprising the first time you hear it.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck! "Deck" works double duty here — a ship's main deck AND a deck of playing cards. It's a perfect example of a homophone pun, the bread and butter of dad joke construction.
What are good pirate jokes for Talk Like a Pirate Day?
Talk Like a Pirate Day falls on September 19 each year. The best pirate jokes for the occasion lean into classic pirate vocabulary — "arrr," "matey," "plank," "treasure," "starboard," and "Davy Jones." Jokes that contrast pirate speech with modern everyday situations get the biggest laughs.
How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buccaneer! "Buccaneer" sounds just like "a buck an ear" — ear piercing meets pirate history. The Spanish Main has never been more affordable.
Why did the pirate like doing math?
Because he was always looking for the X! Pirates mark treasure spots with an X on the map — and in algebra, X is the unknown you're always solving for. Two completely different contexts, one perfect punchline.